So I'm writing this thing...

[ninjistic]

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?7wvp8tpp2wffsll

I'd love to receive some feedback and constructive criticism. It probably has a bunch of grammar mistakes and what not, but english, not being my native language is still hard to master, let alone write stuff with. So let me know what you think in general. There's a whole map I've drawn with the locations and things and it's all in my head so it's normal not to understand half of the stuff but I decided to share it anyway since it seems like that's what this section is for. Plus it's the sort of thing you'd probably enjoy, if you enjoy world of warcraft etc.

[ninjistic]

bump a dump

[Gazzzu]

Good work my friend!;)

[FieryRedHair]

It is always a good thing to see aspiring writers :). I guess that you need constructive criticism and not a simple comment to make you feel better. Let me start by saying that not everyone will like your writing. I know people that hate the fantasy genre with a burning passion. And value honesty. People are oft afraid to speak bluntly about your work. Some are simply polite.
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Alright, after reading it I can say that you are making a few basic mistakes that every writer does at one point; overusing commas. Another one is that the action seem too frenetic. At this pace, you will not reach 100 pages before the book is over. That, if the story is not extremely long and intricate, but that is yet another mistake. Do not complicate things. Never. You are not a world renown writer and even then, an excessively complicated story will do no good. If your plan is to have a short story of fiction, it is a good start, but if you plan to expand it into a full fledged novel, you have some work to do.
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Work on formulating the right sentences, try using new words for the same action, synonyms, archaisms. Make yourself use descriptions. It is not enough to say that ~He went there and spoke to that person~. Rather ~As He entered the large room, his eyes quickly caught the wooden table with a green wine bottle on it, chairs of rosewood and the stupendously thick carpet on the floor. Clearly, the host was a vain man. "Ah, my good guest. I have been expecting you. But where are my manners? Would you like a coup of wine and cheese?" The fat lord strutted across the room, breathing heavily in search of two crystal glasses. "Thanks, but I had other things in mind." .....~
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Another common error is choosing the right names for your characters, places, cities. Being original is quite the matter. Arbor is already used by GRRM in his books. Picking that name, while not an illegality, is not a good idea and believe me, many will throw heavy criticism at you. Sylvan, if I am not mistaking, is a common name for many elven cities and factions across many works of fantasy. Vastus Mountain range lacks genuineness. It basically is a vast mountain range.
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The dialogue must be fresh and reliable. Overusing the word father does not make it better, and I am aware that you meant to show us that the son respects the old man. Oft, a few precise and witty words do a better job than ten sentences. Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. Using ellipses every two paragraphs can become tedious for the reader and in some cases, frustrating. Instead, make use of periods and commas in a smart way.
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One last advice, read, read, read. I can not stress enough about this. Reading is the animating force behind your writing. I suggest you to read the Art of War by Sun Tsu for war scenes, Coelho for words of wisdom, Tolkien for a fresh atmosphere, GRRM for a bloody battle and fantasy world politics, Sapkowski for expressing the human nature. Read mythology and legends, the Bible if you wish. I also suggest you to read history books and records, but that is for your own culture and knowledge. Read everything and anything but most importantly, read the things that will keep you focused and interested.
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Waiting for a reply from you :).

[CruleD]

Unfortunately, when I saw how many pages it has I was not in a mood to read it in the morning.

Now, by reading Fiery's replay I'm thinking about not reading it, sadly. :(

[FieryRedHair]

CruleD, you should read it. My post was meant to give him some good tips and advices, not openly badmouth his work. Every writer, artist, anyone that intends to create something is in need of advice and constructive criticism :).
Even the greatest artists in the history had to learn the basics from someone.

[Grymninja]

Great work so far dude, liking the plot and imagery. I think maybe you should describe the main characters in a bit more detail though? Like physical appearance and whatnot ...it seems like you just leap into the story. But still really good so far!

[ninjistic]

First of all, thanks for actually reading it. Means the world to me.

So with the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, most of this is written in a way that has basically compacted the essence of my idea in a few short pages. Ofc, the general pace won't be such because I am(or was) intending on a full novel. I agree about the dialogues and the general simplicity in my work. It's probably due to the fact that I was shooting for more of a "war & strategy" type of thing rather than adventure and fable. To be honest, of all the inspirations, my biggest one has to be David Eddings, especially his Domes of Fire. Maybe that drove me to try and involve war strategy further in, although my dream has always been to be able to express the actual battle, the drama and realism that is bloodshed by being graphic. It appears to be harder than expected since that is the thing I've been avoiding all this time and haven't written a single word about it. The names, most if not all of them are placeholders. I found myself using certain names that already exist just to seal the basic primal idea that I have had about the certain thing I was naming. The biggest problem I've encountered so far is the overflow of ideas I'm getting randomly while walking down the street or while at work. I started carrying a little diary to write down notes and such. The issue is I haven't got the least idea of how I'm gonna implement all of this since I've already limited myself by drawing the world.
Anyway, all in all - Thanks again, as I said before it means the world to me and I didn't expect anyone to take up interest in this. If you wish I can keep the thread alive and update it every time I change, fix or write something new. That, of course, if you're willing to be here prepared to bash me down to ground level so I can start anew if I messed it all up again.
Also thanks to everyone else for the positive feedback and in general for actually reading it because I know it can be annoying.

[Grymninja]

No problem at all man. It was fun to read, please, do update it! :)

Overflow of ideas often happens, just gotta pick the best one and make sure you don't have a dead ending there. :D