Standup: Night Elf vs Tauren - by Elunariel

https://i.ibb.co/N2NXY07Z/71b2e573-0...f159b80352.png

Alright, imagine this — a night elf and a tauren walk into a bar. Sounds like the setup for a classic joke, right? But this is World of Warcraft, so it’s just another Wednesday in Dalaran.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
So, I’ve been thinking, playing WoW lately has been a wild ride. Like, I’m a NIGHT ELF, okay? I’m the embodiment of grace, wisdom, and stealth. But apparently, to the tauren — the giant walking cows — I’m just a snack.

Tauren (Thok'ra):
You’re the snack? Honey, I’m out here tanking raids, catching aggro from every boss in Northrend, and you think I’m worried about a 4'9" elf who uses stealth like it’s a goddamn Uber? You got your "shadowmeld," but you’re still one bad crit away from getting your hair stuck in your mount’s saddle.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Okay, okay. You know what? At least I can heal myself with a couple of spells. You tauren? Your idea of healing is throwing a cow-sized tantrum and hoping the boss gets confused and goes after someone else.

Tauren (Thok'ra):
Healing? HEALING? Sis, I don’t need healing, I need space. I’m out here, a 10-foot cow trying to squeeze into a 5-foot doorway in Dalaran. Can’t even get through the portal without my horns clipping the side. You ever tried to ride a mount the size of a small city? I need two druids and a holy priest just to get on the thing.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Hey, don’t even talk to me about portals, okay? You’re the ones who always clog the portal rooms in Stormwind. Every time I walk in, it’s like "Excuse me, excuse me, can you move your tribal *** out of the way? I’m trying to go to the auction house, not listen to you talk about your ‘ancestral roots.’"

Tauren (Thok'ra):
Ha! You think I care about your auction house runs? I see you, with your little elf eyes, trying to sell 500 stacks of boar ribs you ‘found’ while running around in Duskwood. You know what you really found? A dead market. I’ve seen cows get better deals selling their leather than your overpriced junk.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Oh, so now you're a merchant? Is that how you justify your 50-gold mounts? Yeah, I see you. You’re out here selling your rares to the same people who’ve been running around with full sets of armor from Burning Crusade like they’ve never heard of the word upgrade. Who needs a stat increase when you've got the ugliest mount in the game?

Tauren (Thok'ra):
You wanna talk about ugly? You know what’s uglier than my mount? A night elf trying to be a warrior. Are you kidding me? You got the agility, the speed, but the second an ogre looks at you the wrong way, you’re running to the nearest tree hoping the roots can save your pale ***.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Look at you! You’re out here with your shamans and troll worshippers, and I'm still over here running with my druid brothers. You know, the guys who can shape-shift into animals? Animals. How do you not have an identity crisis when you go from a cow to a bear to a cat?

Tauren (Thok'ra):
You ever try to shape-shift into a bear, huh? You think you’re being all cute, running around in your little cat form, but you’re the worst DPS in the raid. Yeah, we’re doing fine, but you? You’re over there trying to claw your way to relevance while I’m over here taking a pounding from every boss. What’s next? You gonna go into your tree form and heal me back up, or what?

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Yeah, I heal. You? You just stand there and shout at people like they’re gonna get scared by your low-effort taunts. You can tank the bosses, but I can out-move you, okay? I’m the one dodging spells while you’re out here still trying to figure out how to navigate the Thunder Bluff elevators. We get it, you’re big.

Tauren (Thok'ra):
You think you can move better? Come back when you’ve pulled off a Thunderstorm and knocked three Alliance into the nearest lava pit. Now, that’s real movement. You’d need a running start just to catch up with my thunderclap. You can have your stealth, but I’ve got the smash.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Alright, alright, maybe you’ve got the smash. But at least when I’m soloing a dungeon, I’m not at the mercy of my gear breaking because I’m so damn big. Maybe if you stop treating your character like a punching bag, I wouldn’t have to teach you how to use your off-hand weapon.

Tauren (Thok'ra):
I don’t need no lessons. You can keep your “tree-hugger” healing powers. I'll keep my earth-shattering Thok smash, thank you very much. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go help these noobs in AV who can’t even get their flags to the base without getting sniped by a rogue.

Elunariel (Night Elf):
Right. Keep talking. I’ll be over here, collecting my loot from the dungeon you couldn’t even finish. But hey, enjoy your raid, Mr. Cow-Warrior. You might be big, but in my world? Size doesn’t matter.

Tauren (Thok'ra):
Oh yeah? Well, when I smash? You feel it. Every time.

End Scene