Blessed Be the Fruit, people!
Welcome to the gathering of Warmane's own crew of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, aka the world of Warcraft's most fearsome fighting team.
They're heroes on a half-shell which is green.
When the evil Arthas attacks, these turtle riders will give him no slack.
{The adventures of Tengelmann - Chapter Pumpkin Spice Latte}
Crippling debt from a Warcraft-induced gambling addiction can lead a man to do stupid things.
Unknowingly, I've sold my sovereignty to Ekstaza by accepting what I thought was just a friendly bit of pocket money to get out of my dire financial situation.
I'm hereby forced to get back on the battlefield and... level...
However, living in danger is nothing new to me. I should be able to handle this fairly well.
In order to get some exp, I've fought unspeakable horrors.
I've also burned down a church or two. Deus Vult and all that.
But it was to no avail.
Whatever I tried, I couldn't get my bar up.
I swear, this has really never happened before.
To be fair, it's been really cold outside lately and -- oh grow up, all of you!
There's no time to think about this right now anyway.
Being lost in thought made me get careless.
Now I need to focus on not dying to a pack of wolves...
Luckily, I was able to shake them off when I stumbled upon the entrance to a crypt in the mountains.
Although it was dead silent in the room, I could hear an epic story being told by the remains of the brave men that took their last breaths in here.
The answer to my problem lies in here, I can tell.
These men were real soldiers, unlike me.
It is time for me to change my perspective.
Gone is Tengelmann the gentleman. Before you stands Tengelmann the barbarian!
With the help of the newfound strength in the crypt, fighting the wolves felt surprisingly harder than before.
No matter, I most likely still need to get used to this new form.
The road to acquiring the next level can now finally begin!
Spoiler:Show
Now, with everything else out of the way, there was just one last element missing to the leveling journey.
A devious quest worthy of a true soldier!
It was an easy choice.
Back two decades ago when I first encountered this quest, it quickly turned out to be the grand mother lode of ****.
I have not made peace with it ever since.
And how should I? The rewards are in no way decent enough for the effort necessary, there were no guides at the time, and even today, Gnomeregan runs are optimized to the point where you don't need to interact with half the dungeon.
Of course, I need to stay true to the original experience and not skip through any of this dungeon.
I also mustn't look at any guides, but I feel like that goes without saying.
But just by being thorough right from the start, I shouldn't miss anything regardless.
I'm kind of excited even. It's been an eternity since I last cleared this dungeon without skipping anything.
Even the HD client seems to have skipped this place.
Just what on earth happened here.
Spoiler:Show
Moving on, we get to the first punch card terminal which is in fact not the first punch card terminal but the second.
Yellow punch card detected my butt.
I thought I was being thorough but I've already missed something...
Contrary to how I remembered it, you don't get the first punch card from the first terminal inside the dungeon, but it's actually a not so common drop right outside the dungeon.
For the record, the first terminal is also outside the dungeon.
Given that I'm putting my life and sanity on the line here, I think it's only fair that we get to take a look at what's on the punch card.
Here's a little digression in binary ASCII codes, first off, encoded does not mean encrypted.
01010100 01101000 01110010 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001010 01100001 01101001 01101110 01100001 00100000 01110011 01101001 01110100 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01001011 00101101 01001001 00101101 01010011 00101101 01010011 00101101 01001001 00101101 01001110 00101101 01000111
Spoiler:Show
We can easily decode this by looking up an ASCII table and compare all 8bit numbers individually, e.g. 01010100 is the letter "T".
Going through each of those we get:
“Thrall and Jaina sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G”.
Now this just adds insult to injury.
Though this is just the first punch card. Maybe this message is just there to mock those that try to get behind the secrets of what's actually being hidden in the final version.
Yeah, that must be it.
Since we already got the path to the second terminal cleared, let's have a quick look at what this card has to say.
Let's see...
"The gnome king wears night elf underwear"
Well, can you blame him?
This stuff is absolute fire.
I feel like male human underwear is either way too tight or too easily riddled with holes.
I'd definitely prefer this over my closet has to offer.
Anyway, there are still more terminals to find.
Thus it's beatdown time for diseased arachnid wheelchair cripples.
Saying it like that makes this journey feel way less heroic...
With lots and lots of needlessly violent encounters later, I manage to defeat the final boss.
...only to find out that the final terminal is in another area.
One I have long walked past by.
Just great.
At least I'm all done with this.
But, before handing this quest in, there's one more thing I must do.
I need to know what information lies in this last punch card.
I deserve to know.
The final code is:
01001101 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01000011 01100001 01110011 01110100 01110000 01101001 01110000 01100101 00111010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110101 01101110 01100100 01110010 01111001 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01101001 01100011 01101011 01110101 01110000 00101110
"Message to Castpipe: your laundry's ready for pickup."
His laundry...
To be fair, this has been an eye opening experience.
It has taught me that I'm never going to level again!
Screw all of this!
I'm done!
And I'm also back to being poor again because the new equipment cost me all the gold I had left.
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Member
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Member
Oh my sweet Light… Tengelmann the Barbarian, self-declared wolf-bane and now… archivist of laundry receipts?
You stagger through crypts, burn churches like some half-priced Scarlet Zealot, and yet your greatest revelation is that Thrall and Jaina are tangled up in some arboreal romance? How precious. Truly, history will sing of your deeds: “He farmed punch cards until his soul shriveled.”
And this grand transformation of yours—gentleman to barbarian? Darling, the only thing you barbarized was your own dignity. Wolves bite harder because they can smell weakness, not because you grew chest hair in a tomb.
As for Gnomeregan… oh, how noble, how heroic, to finally experience it “the true way.” Let me guess—you wiped on the punch card mobs while muttering binary code like an overworked Arcane Construct? Congratulations, scholar. Your degree is in Useless Trivia with a minor in Crippling Debt.
But then, the climax:
“Message to Castpipe: your laundry’s ready for pickup.”
This is what you risked life, limb, and your last three brain cells for? A reminder that even in Azeroth, someone has skid-marked briefs waiting at the laundress? I weep. Not for you—never for you—but for the crypt that had to endure your monologue.
Now, return to Goldshire at once. I need someone to hold my incense burner while I spread my violet mists among the unsuspecting. You’ll fit perfectly: broke, coughing, and covered in shame.
������
Akazia Flamewhisper
High Priestess of Purple Plagues
Goldshire’s Glittering Pestilence
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Member
Goddess watch over you, people!
Welcome to the crippling feeling of being hated by literally everyone.
However undesirable it is to end up in this position, it's interesting to see even the most unlikely individuals unite just to cause you distress.
Let's be honest, if it does get to that point, you probably did something to provoke it.
As much as we'd like to tell ourselves that we don't secretly crave a sense of belonging, it doesn't make it any less true.
Speaking of which, let's dive into the next chapter.
{The adventures of Tengelmann - Chapter Darude Sandstorm}
Starting a new account - or even a new character - we face an important question that significantly impacts our gameplay experience throughout our whole journey.
The question of which guild to join or not to join.
Some will ask you to follow strict rules, others will completely forget about your existence just moments after the initial flood of "Hi! :D Welcome <333" texts.
What is it you want from a guild and how much are you ready to commit for it?
Are you willing to tolerate mandatory weekly attendance?
Do you expect the guild chat to be lively and active instead of dull and barren?
Or is your bare minimum already met when you get a random guild invite from a guild whose name doesn’t instantly elicit secondhand embarrassment?
In this chapter, I'll be talking about four guilds that couldn't be more different, namely:
- The Cult of Casha
- Offline
- Ducks n Roses
and, last but not least,
- Dementia
But before I start my unbiased review, here's a quick word to this episode's sponsor.
Spoiler:Show
So, the first guild on our list is
the Cult of Casha
You might ask yourself, who is Casha?
Casha is yet another Goldshire dweller, but he refuses to say anything outside of what's absolutely necessary... at best.
But according to the cashanian cultists, Casha holds unfathomable wisdom and deserves all the love in the world.
Thus, he is declared the Oracle.
No question is considered too insignificant to outsource to the great Oracle.
Very intriguing!
However, as is usual with cults, leaving is not looked upon well...
Spoiler:Show
Moving on, we have
the "Offline" guild
This guild uses intimidation tactics to recruit newcomers.
I must admit, I've never seen this kind of approach before.
I respect the effort, though.
The least I can do is listen to what they have to offer.
So this is yet another cult, I see.
Apparently they play as if this were Lordaeron's version of Onyxia.
Their goal lies on clearing Burning Crusade Content step by step before advancing to Northrend.
I actually like the idea and these guys seem fun.
Unfortunately, I have no intention of altering my current game plan.
Though perhaps this hits just right for you?
Anyhow, we're on a schedule, so we gotta move on to the next.
Introducing Ducks n Roses
This guild focuses on companionship over performance.
Whilst raiding is definitely on the agenda, events such as the regular convoys are held to include both new and veteran players.
What are these convoys about?
They're mostly just for hanging out with each other and finding new people along the way.
It's also nice for those who want some company and enjoyment while going for the explorer title.
Now, look who we have here.
Guests from other guilds, like Television of Dementia, are also here to join the fun, it seems.
And what better way is there to shamelessly hijack this section and make the transition to Dementia.
Apparently Dementia’s also got its own convoy traditions, albeit slightly more dangerous ones.
There's a glitch that lets you float through the air with a chopper as though you had a parachute active.
Of course, this begged to be taken to the extreme.
It's honestly amazing how far you can get across the map just by levitating down some real high slope or mountain.
Interestingly enough, this glitch does not mitigate fall damage in any way.
So do take precautions when you do this.
I mean, we DID take precautions, but you know how it is with parachutes in games.
Only cowards open them at a reasonable time.
Could you even look at yourself in the mirror if you didn’t open your parachute until just moments before impact?
Sure, you may die to overconfidence and needlessly botch a mission for the whole team in GTA V, but at least you can do so with your integrity intact.
In conclusion, I have to say that Dementia is a guild for true men or those who want to become one, both male and female!
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Member
Oh, Tengelmann… chronicler of cults, connoisseur of convoys, and now—guild critic extraordinaire.
You parade the Cult of Casha as though whispering an oracle’s wisdom is anything more than muttering in trade chat while waiting for your hearthstone cooldown. You call Offline intimidating? Please. The only thing frightening about them is the realization that their members spend more time role-playing Onyxia’s lair than actually killing her.
And Ducks n Roses—companionship over performance? How touching. A guild where wiping is tradition, and “explorer convoys” mean wandering across Azeroth like lost children on a school trip. One can almost hear the quacks echoing over Barrens chat.
But Dementia—ah, your pièce de résistance. Parachutes ignored, mountains defied, and half your raid splattered across Northrend’s cliffs in the name of “true courage.” What a recruitment pitch: “Join us, we promise you’ll die stupidly, but at least together.”
You dress this all up as analysis, Tengelmann, but I see the truth: you are less reviewer, more traveling bard, singing off-key hymns about guilds you’ll never commit to. Forever sniffing at banners, never planting your own.
Now, stop dangling from choppers and tumbling down mountains. Come back to Goldshire. I require a volunteer to hold my torch while I spread my violet plagues among the naïve. You’ll do splendidly—already dizzy, already broken, and already laughing at your own jokes.
<3
Akazia
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