I rather look like a person that is always mad (when I'm really not and I laughed at this - It's called having values and having a strong personality) than being extremely insecure about the gender that I am today.
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Banned
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Banned
So guys, quick advice needed. It's a long post and it's about relationships. Mid-November last year I met this very hot, smart and funny girl from my university class. We dated for nearly three months and I fell in love with her somewhere around the first month. She was just amazing, she was totally different and so much better than your average girl in every way imaginable - blew my mind right away. Things were going like a whirlwind and although we had many hardships, including her cheating on her 5-year relationship with me, I felt like she was different and that I had finally met someone with whom I can live my life to the fullest. Although people told me right from the start that things don't look well for me.
Well, she was different, indeed... She turned out to be very religious, believes in rebirth, energy fields and whatnot, is a strict vegetarian and is the type of person who is unwilling to compromise her own prospects for the sake of a relationship. Without even trying, she told me she just doesn't feel we vibrate on the same level and that I even pull her down in some ways. So to say, we're not meant to be together, as I am not "her guy". She thought of me as "primitive" and of our dating (she didn't call it a relationship) as something "really nice, but without future". So after sticking with me for another month and something, because "the sex is just too good", she finally broke up with me.
At first I fell into despair. I wanted to repair things, if not towards a relationship, then at least towards a friendship. But she started pushing me away. I couldn't pull away from her, so I became obsessed, even toxic. Now she avoids me, thinking very low of me, which pulled me down into a depression, from which I'm slowly recovering. When she goes out with our friends, nobody calls me. When I go out with them, she doesn't come.
I spoke with many people since then and shared my pain. A lot of them supported her at first, saying "well, she doesn't owe you anything", until I started quoting her on things she had told me - "there's one thing that really makes me think twice about us and that's the sex", "I don't try because I can see clearly that it's not going to work out", "this is more than just a belief for me, it's my philosophy of life and you don't fit in it", "some day I may meet the one, who I will fall in love with and give my all, but it is not you", "you see how pretty the world is when you follow this philosophy? too bad you don't believe in it". Then they would turn and tell me "wow, man, how could you bear with a relationship like this? why did you allow yourself to get treated like that?".
I realize now that the entire time we were together, regardless of how good I felt with her, she was using me and disrespecting me. People kept repeating it, but I didn't listen back then because I was just so in love and I held such high hopes for us. She liked me, and she really liked having sex with me, she liked my kisses and my touch, but that was it. She never really appreciated me any further than that. We didn't even go official and we were acting like buddies when going out with our friends. Some people tell me she probably did that because she felt ashamed of me, being a downgrade from her fit, rich, well-settled ex boyfriend. Some people tell me that I never should've allowed someone to treat me the way she treated me and that I shouldn't have devoted myself entirely to her, to the point of handing my entire self-respect to her on a silver platter... which she threw on the ground.
I see now that I've been absolutely blind from love to see just how bad this relationship was for me. It drained me emotionally because I was giving all of myself to her without receiving anything in return - we went out whenever she wanted, did whatever she agreed with, spoke whenever she felt like it. I was like a puppet for her, a toy which she used for fun after her long and boring 5-year relationship. But still I wonder - is she really a person that I should try to keep in my life, a dreamer-child living in a colorful world, seeing things the way other people can't see, or is she just a total nutjob and a ***** and I should feel grateful for things working out the way they did before it was too late?
If she really is so bad, then why did I feel so good with her? She felt so different from all the previous relationships I've been in... A month ago I could say that I'm the one who knew her best and understood her. She acknowledged that too. Now I have no idea why she acted like that towards me and I really don't think I've known her true self while we were together...
tl;dr - should I try to fix things so we can be friends like we were in the beginning, or should I completely disregard her and realize just how big of a fool I've been?Edited: April 13, 2016
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Banned
It's the perfect thread, man.
I just really wanna know whether I've been a complete blind fool and I should cut her from my mind or I've been a complete ***** and I should try and fix things.
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Member
I don't wanna say the wrong thing, so don't agree 100% with me on this, because I'm unexperienced. But when stuff like that happens to me, I go away from that person /people as far as possible.
if I were you and she said she wanted to be friends later on, I'd forgive her, but that's because of how I am :)
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Banned
Take your time to fix your ideas properly - Only after that you should consider if it's worth to keep the friendship or if it's going to hurt you on an overall perspective. Facing a person that left a huge mark in our feelings, for good or for bad, isn't a good experience for our serenity.
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Banned
People have told me both of these things. That I should really let it go and forget her, and that if she cheated on him, she'd cheat on me too, eventually. You know, it would be a lot easier if I knew if they got together again. It sounds low, I know, but keep reading. Because while I was with her and also when she was breaking up with me she kept saying that if there is one thing that she feels grateful towards me, it is that because of me she could break up with her ex. Without me, she said, she would probably still be with him, wondering what to do with her life, leading a life that is good, but is just not "her" life.
And, you know, if they come back together, then that ONE thing would be gone and she would instantly die in my mind. And the silliest thing is that it's actually quite possible - they lived in the same rental for 4 years, he still comes to visit her and she tells me that isn't going to change because they're friends. She assured me back then that she'd never get together with him. But she broke so many promises that I kind of don't believe in this one, too.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Member
Sure thing buddy.
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Banned
Please, do not believe in this. Personal experience talking here. Each case has a different storyline and a different ending. Just because they relate in some aspects that doesn't mean that, in the end, they're going to be the same.
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Banned
I don't believe it. Everything people told me while we were together - that she uses me, manipulates me, toys with me, is with me simply for the fun, doesn't take me serious - I didn't believe a word of it. Now... I dunno.
She told me she turned a new page with me. She said she'd never lie to me, never cheat on me, she promised she'll make an effort on her side too in order to make things work out. She lied. She said she did it because she felt sorry for me. Which only made me feel even more miserable.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Banned
From my own experiences I can tell you that if a person cheats another that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be cheated as well. You shouldn't really listen to the others since the others don't have feelings involved but you should also make a proper understanding of what you actually feel. What kind of feelings are actually real and not generated thanks to being "needy" or sad/angry.
After being able of making an inner reflection that's the time where you should make decisions. Third party opinions are never the good way to go in this field. You should take your time to reflect and take a break for yourself in that aspect. As soon as you feel clearheaded, the better you will feel and the best decision you'll take. Don't allow your mind or heart to talk louder - Find a proper balance between them and you'll find your serenity and the answers you're looking for.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Moderator
So, 20 deleted posts later, I'm sick of seeing little heads and bull**** only meant to irritate people.
"Oh there's no rule against it"? Read the rules to the end.
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Member
Well first of all she's not "very religious" because a religious person would not act in such an irresponsible and hedonistic way, just using someone for "great sex" and cheating on a 5years relationship. She seems more like a new age pseudo hippie and the west is full of them. Nothing special. I bet she's a libtard too. Anyway, I must question your own resolve. She cheated after a 5 years relationship. It's likely she cheated before and not by "mistake". Let me tell you that people don't cheat by mistake, it's just a petty excuse that nobody with half a brain believes. How could you fall in love with a person with such ack of morals and cheap personality? You seem lonely because most lonely people fall easily in love with someone who gives them attention. Also, why would you subject yourself to such misery by maintaining an empty "friendship" relationship with such a selfish person who clearly doesn't care about anyone else but herself?
Don't make a wreck of yourself man. There's many girls out there, way better people hwo wouldnt act so petty and repulsive.
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Moderator
How exactly did she "use and disrespect you"? From your very quotes, she was being extremely clear and sincere. Manson's User Friendly was her song and she didn't try to hide it. She liked the sex, she might have liked hanging out, but she didn't try to lead you on in the least about a long-term relationship. If you feel like a fool, it's because you fooled yourself, despite all the reality checks being slapped on your face. Considering how, from your description, you even turned creepy stalker on her after she finally went "thanks, but no thanks," I don't think it's up to you to decide what happens next. She's the one who has to come to terms with whether she wants to try a friendship with you again or not. Only after that the decision will be up to you.
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Banned
Well, you're right, Clam. You really are. She says she's this and that and then she does things that go opposite to what she claims she is. And yeah, she had cheated on him before too, with some foreigner while she was on Erasmus exchange in Switzerland. I too believe that people never cheat by mistake. Cheating is no small thing to be done "by mistake". And yes, I guess I am lonely. For all my near-26 years I've had over 10 relationships and neither of them lasted longer than 3 months. In neither of them was I the second one to say "I love you". Maybe you're right. She is selfish indeed, she even guiltily admits it herself.
Obnoxious, when we were friends we used to go out after lectures almost every evening. I felt so good like I haven't felt in many years. I absolutely fell for her and she was sending me mixed signals all the time too. Later, when she cheated with me and we started dating she'd often giggle at how she was signaling me the whole time but I still didn't do anything (she was currently in a 5-year relationship which she said she wouldn't abandon, after all, jeesh - what could I do, I asked myself). Maybe a bit later after the first month she told me this one thing that sparked my heart and made me feel like "ok, this is it!". After one particular struggle with her still-current boyfriend, she told me "you know, I realized I want to be with you too. and you know that if I want something, I'll do it no matter what". And you know what happened? When she was breaking up with me, she told me "that was the biggest mistake I did while we were together - giving you hope", adding "if I want something, I'll do it no matter what - and I no longer want to be with you". But you are right, too - there is nothing I can do towards her right now. She has to do something first. Our exams are at the end of next week and we'll meet then, simply because we're class mates.
And then there's the other factor - while we were dating, we went through the full process of signing up for an Erasmus internship in UK this summer. So... basically, we'll be living and working together the whole summer. I really don't know how I am going to handle it, but people just keep telling me "go, don't miss such an opportunity for yourself to go abroad and have fun". I'm afraid that if I go there, fun is the last thing I'm going to have. Both of our contracts are signed and sent, with the dates being announced too. We were supposed to buy our plane tickets together, but we got in a fight in the exact same day. She bought her own ticket, without giving me any info on the flight. I still haven't bought mine. And it's a little more than a month away.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Moderator
There's nothing to fix, if she really thinks you're primitive and only used you, you should stay away from her. Look ahead and remember this as a mistake. I always analyze a lot before commiting to any relationship, I only commit to it if I'm certain there's a good chance of it working. You said you fell in love with her right in the first month, if you want to prevent it from happening again you should take your time, until you feel like you really know her, before planning a real long-term relationship. Always be open minded and communicative with her, too. If she isn't interested in a long-term relationship, then you know both of you are condemned to breaking up soon.
Just the fact that she cheated after a 5 years relationship tells a lot about her. I'd never even consider someone who can't be honest.
Some women don't care about breaking a man's heart, they just want to live the moment. You're better than this, you'll feel much better soon.
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