Don't compromise only because you're lonely. Once a cheater always a cheater. I'd never date a girl who has cheated to her boyfriend, let alone one who I learn is cheating with me. Move on, fam.
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Member
Edited: April 13, 2016
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Banned
That's such a lie. Such a lie. lol.
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Moderator
"there's one thing that really makes me think twice about us and that's the sex", "I don't try because I can see clearly that it's not going to work out", "this is more than just a belief for me, it's my philosophy of life and you don't fit in it", "some day I may meet the one, who I will fall in love with and give my all, but it is not you", "you see how pretty the world is when you follow this philosophy? too bad you don't believe in it"
Those don't seem like lines to give hope. If anything, she might mean her mistake was thinking all of that was enough for you to understand the situation and how she looked at your "relationship." I mean, seriously, what "hope" would you expect someone to still have after you tell them you're with them pretty much because of the sex, that you aren't interested in making an effort because you don't see a future with them, and that they're not the person you will fall in love with? Her lines weren't even subtle for you to say you "got them wrong" or were "unsure what she meant."
It feels like you're not really wanting an opinion on what to do, but more people saying she's an evil ***** that took advantage of you like your friends did. Sorry, not going to hear that from me. She might have been cold-hearted, but from your own description of what she would tell you, she was crystal clear about it. You could have had a long-term "friends with benefits" relationship with her, but you pushed for more to the point she now avoids you, which doesn't makes her a "bad person" in the least.
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Forum Veteran
OK so I missed and entire giant post which is tldr.
But reading a few posts about some of the other comments can I just say.
People clearly do not love their partners if they cheat! Simple as.
However said cheater can "change" if they fall in love with the right person.
Trust me, without going into it I know first hand!
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Banned
Arbiterone, every word of what you said was on point, friend. Thank you, really!
Obnoxious, she told me those things at the end.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Banned
Thank you Kemii.
After reading the whole topic for the second time, this is the quote that more sense makes to me so far. She was clear enough with her ideas from the beggining (talking about the sex quote, as example). At least that was the interpretation I got since the beggining. That's why I pointed out, multiple times, that you need to clear your head before deciding anything since you're apparently confused about what you had or about what you wanted it to be.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Moderator
"So after sticking with me for another month and something"
That, after, according to you, "Without even trying, she told me she just doesn't feel we vibrate on the same level and that I even pull her down in some ways. So to say, we're not meant to be together, as I am not "her guy". She thought of me as "primitive" and of our dating (she didn't call it a relationship) as something "really nice, but without future"."
Am I missing something? Was "the end" over a month long?
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Member
I would never forgive someone who has cheated, love is too time consuming to be messed around.
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Member
I meant that the fact she cheated will remain forever. There is no excuse for prolonging a relationship with a person that you'd cheat on. That's why in my book a history of cheating is a bright red flag.
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Banned
She told me those things at the very end. She did give me signals that it was not going to work, but I knew she didn't even try, she said herself that it's not going to be easy for her to be convinced, so I worked harder to convince her that it can work. I held my hopes high the entire time, like a blind fool. We both promised that we'd try.
Two weeks later she called me for a "goodbye sex". Literally, she called me, I went to her, we had sex, then she said "I wanted to tell you something tonight, but we just had such a good time that I'm not sure - I called you tonight because I wanted this to be our last time". She said she really sees and appreciates my efforts. I asked if she had tried, like she had promised. She said "no, I only promised back then because I felt sorry for you".
Obnoxious, I probably confused you by now, as I am in quite a mess and am quite the mess myself right now. The things you're quoting she told me as she was breaking up with me. I just tried really hard to make this relationship work, but she just wouldn't listen and she wouldn't try - she just kept this stubborn idea stuck in her head that "it's just not going to work". This made me more and more frustrated and drove her away eventually.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Member
I have no doubt that people can change. But anyone with dignity and values should avoid a cheater if possible. I have never cheated. None of my friends have er cheated. It's not hard to have self control and not be a liar.
If you cheat, I wouldn't be in a relationship with you but I also won't hate you for it.
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Banned
Cheating is an action that can happen through several reasons. I've never cheated myself but I've dated my ex-gf for almost five years and she "kinda" cheated her ex-bf to date me. The relationship came to an end thanks to reasons completely opposite to "cheating". People can change and YOU as a human being as well - You don't have the moral standards and the position to judge those people. You never know what's the reason behind it and you might never know the true reasons that trigger such act. Also let me remind you of this; Some people do need a scapegoat and someone to pull them out of their own misery.
The logic that you're applying opens doors, pushing it to the extreme, to state that who makes mistakes doesn't deserve a second chance. And that's a large ammount of crap. You only develop and endure as a human being by making mistakes and by bashing your head against the wall multiple times. Your so called dignity becomes worthless 'cause you already lost it somewhere along your development process. The only thing you do is try to follow your values and beliefs - That's what define dignity and makes it different in several PoV's. Now stating that you should "avoid" - Life will change you. You're young, lol.
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Banned
Obnoxious, don't say it like that, man. I don't want to hear that she is bad. Secretly, I am hoping that she is good and that we will fix it some day and become friends. But there is also the chance that she isn't and that I just need to get her out of my head for good.
magaginho said it very well - I am torn between sadness and anger. One day I blame myself for ****ing things up completely, wondering how it could've been if I had pulled away a little, not pushing her into this. I feel guilty and bad about myself for losing such an amazing girl. In such days I feel sad and I wish we could make up. Other days I feel like all the things people were telling me and warning me about were true - that she really simply used me as an escape and then dropped me. In such days I feel angry at myself that I allowed to be pulled into such a state. I just don't know which of the two it is. I thought I knew her so well - not anymore.
It is true that she used me as a relief. The cheating wasn't the reason she broke up with her ex. She felt like things were going nowhere with him for the last several months. Indeed, I helped her get out of her misery. It's just that I hoped I could be the next best thing in her life. And it didn't work out that way. It didn't work out that way at all...
I just don't know what I should do. Should I close my eyes, realize that she simply doesn't want a relationship with me and try to fix our friendship. Would I look like a fool if I did that? Would it even work out? Or should I look at it the other way and see how much I was drained and scratch her off. So far the latter is the one that most people advise me on - that she's just a selfish low person that I shouldn't have dated in the first place. And even though it is the easier way out, it leaves me bitter and I don't want to believe it.Edited: April 13, 2016
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Moderator
That cheated on her ex after 5 years in a relationship with him. You're going downhill if you still think that of her.
And why did she break up with you? If you were dating then she was taking benefit, doesn't it seem weird that she wants to stop? For me it sounds like she wants to spend time with someone else.
You wanted a long-term relationship with her, but clearly those weren't her intentions. You must be open minded and communicative with your partner, before and during the relationship, and both of you must agree with what type of relationship you both will have. Ask her why she likes hanging with you, if she lies to you then honestly that's the worst type of person you could ever date.
If you don't know each other's intentions, then you'll get very disappointed many times.
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Moderator
She isn't good for you, by the merit that she doesn't wants you. That's all that should matter.
Right now, after your pushing, she isn't interested even in being around you at all, so your hopes don't really matter. It's not on you to fix anything, beyond leaving her be. It's on her to get over (or not) the bad taste the relationship and the afterwards left. If anything changes, you will notice her not avoiding you anymore.
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