Share something pointless about your life!

[Kemii]

OK so I missed and entire giant post which is tldr.

But reading a few posts about some of the other comments can I just say.
People clearly do not love their partners if they cheat! Simple as.
However said cheater can "change" if they fall in love with the right person.
Trust me, without going into it I know first hand!

[taralej]

Arbiterone, every word of what you said was on point, friend. Thank you, really!

Obnoxious, she told me those things at the end.

[magaginho]

However said cheater can "change" if they fall in love with the right person.
Trust me, without going into it I know first hand!

Thank you Kemii.

It feels like you're not really wanting an opinion on what to do, but more people saying she's an evil ***** that took advantage of you like your friends did. Sorry, not going to hear that from me. She might have been cold-hearted, but from your own description of what she would tell you, she was crystal clear about it. You could have had a long-term "friends with benefits" relationship with her, but you pushed for more to the point she now avoids you, which doesn't makes her a "bad person" in the least.

After reading the whole topic for the second time, this is the quote that more sense makes to me so far. She was clear enough with her ideas from the beggining (talking about the sex quote, as example). At least that was the interpretation I got since the beggining. That's why I pointed out, multiple times, that you need to clear your head before deciding anything since you're apparently confused about what you had or about what you wanted it to be.

[Obnoxious]

Obnoxious, she told me those things at the end.

"So after sticking with me for another month and something"

That, after, according to you, "Without even trying, she told me she just doesn't feel we vibrate on the same level and that I even pull her down in some ways. So to say, we're not meant to be together, as I am not "her guy". She thought of me as "primitive" and of our dating (she didn't call it a relationship) as something "really nice, but without future"."

Am I missing something? Was "the end" over a month long?

[Redfred]

I would never forgive someone who has cheated, love is too time consuming to be messed around.

[warnly]

That's such a lie. Such a lie. lol.

However said cheater can "change" if they fall in love with the right person.
Trust me, without going into it I know first hand!

I meant that the fact she cheated will remain forever. There is no excuse for prolonging a relationship with a person that you'd cheat on. That's why in my book a history of cheating is a bright red flag.

[taralej]

She told me those things at the very end. She did give me signals that it was not going to work, but I knew she didn't even try, she said herself that it's not going to be easy for her to be convinced, so I worked harder to convince her that it can work. I held my hopes high the entire time, like a blind fool. We both promised that we'd try.

Two weeks later she called me for a "goodbye sex". Literally, she called me, I went to her, we had sex, then she said "I wanted to tell you something tonight, but we just had such a good time that I'm not sure - I called you tonight because I wanted this to be our last time". She said she really sees and appreciates my efforts. I asked if she had tried, like she had promised. She said "no, I only promised back then because I felt sorry for you".

Obnoxious, I probably confused you by now, as I am in quite a mess and am quite the mess myself right now. The things you're quoting she told me as she was breaking up with me. I just tried really hard to make this relationship work, but she just wouldn't listen and she wouldn't try - she just kept this stubborn idea stuck in her head that "it's just not going to work". This made me more and more frustrated and drove her away eventually.

[TheClam]

I have no doubt that people can change. But anyone with dignity and values should avoid a cheater if possible. I have never cheated. None of my friends have er cheated. It's not hard to have self control and not be a liar.
If you cheat, I wouldn't be in a relationship with you but I also won't hate you for it.

[magaginho]

I have no doubt that people can change. But anyone with dignity and values should avoid a cheater if possible.

Cheating is an action that can happen through several reasons. I've never cheated myself but I've dated my ex-gf for almost five years and she "kinda" cheated her ex-bf to date me. The relationship came to an end thanks to reasons completely opposite to "cheating". People can change and YOU as a human being as well - You don't have the moral standards and the position to judge those people. You never know what's the reason behind it and you might never know the true reasons that trigger such act. Also let me remind you of this; Some people do need a scapegoat and someone to pull them out of their own misery.

The logic that you're applying opens doors, pushing it to the extreme, to state that who makes mistakes doesn't deserve a second chance. And that's a large ammount of crap. You only develop and endure as a human being by making mistakes and by bashing your head against the wall multiple times. Your so called dignity becomes worthless 'cause you already lost it somewhere along your development process. The only thing you do is try to follow your values and beliefs - That's what define dignity and makes it different in several PoV's. Now stating that you should "avoid" - Life will change you. You're young, lol.

[taralej]

Obnoxious, don't say it like that, man. I don't want to hear that she is bad. Secretly, I am hoping that she is good and that we will fix it some day and become friends. But there is also the chance that she isn't and that I just need to get her out of my head for good.

magaginho said it very well - I am torn between sadness and anger. One day I blame myself for ****ing things up completely, wondering how it could've been if I had pulled away a little, not pushing her into this. I feel guilty and bad about myself for losing such an amazing girl. In such days I feel sad and I wish we could make up. Other days I feel like all the things people were telling me and warning me about were true - that she really simply used me as an escape and then dropped me. In such days I feel angry at myself that I allowed to be pulled into such a state. I just don't know which of the two it is. I thought I knew her so well - not anymore.

It is true that she used me as a relief. The cheating wasn't the reason she broke up with her ex. She felt like things were going nowhere with him for the last several months. Indeed, I helped her get out of her misery. It's just that I hoped I could be the next best thing in her life. And it didn't work out that way. It didn't work out that way at all...

I just don't know what I should do. Should I close my eyes, realize that she simply doesn't want a relationship with me and try to fix our friendship. Would I look like a fool if I did that? Would it even work out? Or should I look at it the other way and see how much I was drained and scratch her off. So far the latter is the one that most people advise me on - that she's just a selfish low person that I shouldn't have dated in the first place. And even though it is the easier way out, it leaves me bitter and I don't want to believe it.

[Arbiterone]

I feel guilty and bad about myself for losing such an amazing girl.

That cheated on her ex after 5 years in a relationship with him. You're going downhill if you still think that of her.
And why did she break up with you? If you were dating then she was taking benefit, doesn't it seem weird that she wants to stop? For me it sounds like she wants to spend time with someone else.
You wanted a long-term relationship with her, but clearly those weren't her intentions. You must be open minded and communicative with your partner, before and during the relationship, and both of you must agree with what type of relationship you both will have. Ask her why she likes hanging with you, if she lies to you then honestly that's the worst type of person you could ever date.
If you don't know each other's intentions, then you'll get very disappointed many times.

[Obnoxious]

Obnoxious, don't say it like that, man. I don't want to hear that she is bad. Secretly, I am hoping that she is good and that we will fix it some day and become friends. But there is also the chance that she isn't and that I just need to get her out of my head for good.

She isn't good for you, by the merit that she doesn't wants you. That's all that should matter.

Right now, after your pushing, she isn't interested even in being around you at all, so your hopes don't really matter. It's not on you to fix anything, beyond leaving her be. It's on her to get over (or not) the bad taste the relationship and the afterwards left. If anything changes, you will notice her not avoiding you anymore.

[magaginho]

I just don't know what I should do. Should I close my eyes, realize that she simply doesn't want a relationship with me and try to fix our friendship. Or should I look at it the other way and see how much I was drained and scratch her off.

Take it as a lesson - Make a proper reflection of everything that was good and bad and save it for yourself. After you have your mind set and done with your own feelings everything will make much more sense and everything will be easier to decide.

The answer is within yourself and not in our replies. This is the wisest advice I can give you.

[taralej]

Here are the two points of my conflict, by Arbiterone and Obnoxious.

Arbiter, sometimes I think that she just wants to spend time with someone else, too. When I asked her why she liked hanging out with me, she said she was having a really good time with me and she also really liked it when we get intimate. At some point I fell more and more into despair for not being able to make her feel the way I felt for her, so I wasn't good company for her anymore. I don't know if you've ever felt that way - I loved her and I'd do anything for her, but she just didn't feel the same way, even though we dated, even though we had a good time. Honestly, I expected her to do something about it - to try and fix it. But she just didn't want to fix it, rather she wanted me to accept that we won't be together. Then she also stopped desiring me and with that it all ended.

Obnoxious, I guess you're right. She has many downsides, like all people, like me, but I wasn't even seeing them as downsides, except one - she didn't love me. She didn't want to be in a serious relationship with me. I really wish there was something I could do to fix it, because I feel helpless. I wish we could make up and I guess that probably the best thing to do right now is just leave her be. But what if she doesn't come back? What if she's left thinking that I'm this miserable pathetic needy stalker she thinks I am? All I ever wanted was to have the time of my life with her, both during university and while in the UK. And how are we going to spend the summer in UK together then? Living under one roof, sharing the food, the bills, working at the same place... I don't want to spend the summer living with someone who thinks so low of me after we had such a good time together. I'm afraid it will only further poison me.

I think what magaginho said would be best. I need to somehow calm down and stop thinking about our past relationship. Even she told me that it won't help if I keep bringing back what we had. In the end, I realize that she really isn't the person for me. She is so radical in her beliefs, so uncompromising and selfish in her prospects that she just isn't fit for a serious relationship with me. I just really want to know if we can and should be friends or not. Is she really the awesome person I met last November, or is she someone who pretty much got the best of me and then left me?

[Arbiterone]

Obnoxious, I guess you're right. She has many downsides, like all people, like me, but I wasn't even seeing them as downsides, except one - she didn't love me. She didn't want to be in a serious relationship with me. I really wish there was something I could do to fix it, because I feel helpless. I wish we could make up and I guess that probably the best thing to do right now is just leave her be. But what if she doesn't come back? What if she's left thinking that I'm this miserable pathetic needy stalker she thinks I am? And how are we going to spend the summer in UK together then? Living under one roof, sharing the food, the bills, working at the same place... I don't want to spend the summer living with someone who thinks so low of me after we had such a good time together. I'm afraid it will only further poison me.

Change your mindset, it will take maybe a night of sleep or two but you'll soon get it. Instead of blaming yourself and becoming miserable, stand proud and look ahead. She rejected you? Shame, you could've been happy together, but now you'll continue doing whatevever you do in life and continue to work towards your goals, and become a better man. One day you'll become a successful man and she'll regret it, but by then you'll have found a better person for you.
I take relationships as a way to gain motivation to continue working towards my goals in life. If I invest energy in one is because it makes sense to do so, not just for the moment. Don't take it as the main thing in life and that you have failed everything if you didn't get what you wanted, another person who appreciates you will appear someday.